When I was heading into my senior year of college in 2019, I thought it was going to be the best year of my life. I was playing the sport I loved, I was living with two of my friends in an off campus apartment, and I was going to be graduating with my degree in May. Talk about total freedom and independence. Little did I know that that year would catapult me into the darkest times of my life thus far.
January 25th 2020, will forever be a day that I look back to and think what if. We had an away game at UMass Boston and I was starting in net. I was having an incredible game and it all changed in the blink of an eye. My teammate had pushed a UMass Boston player into me and I was crosschecked in the head. Immediately my world went black. I ended up getting my fifth concussion. A concussion that would end my season 8 games early, end my hockey career and leave me with lasting effects.
2 weeks after my concussion, I was healing physically but mentally I was struggling. I would cry every day for unexplained reasons, I struggled to remember how to write, and I couldn’t go to classes or be around my teammates. I was advised by the Athletic Training staff to seek further medical help and consider not playing any further. I decided that it was in my best interest to not play hockey anymore. This was the safest route for my future self.
My teammates and friends did not understand why I was not getting better. See when you break your leg or your arm, people can visibly see the injury with a cast, but with a concussion, people don’t see it. It’s an invisible injury. This made me feel even more helpless.
Not only was hockey, something I had identified as since I was a child, my identity as a student also was stripped when COVID hit in March of 2020. I went home for spring break and never returned to Salem State. No senior experience, no making memories, and no walking across a stage to get my diploma.
During COVID I had moved home after being on my own for four years, which was a challenge in itself. I drank a lot to cope with what I was feeling on the inside and in September of 2020, I not only started grad school, but I abruptly moved out of my parents’ house because I thought it was the best option for me and my mental health (boy was I wrong).
My concussion, losing my identity as a student athlete and self-isolating sent me into a deep depression.
My whole life I identified as a hockey player. I did not know myself outside of sports. I had a very strained relationship with my parents, and I had just been diagnosed with post concussive migraine syndrome, that still affects me today.
I felt alone.
I felt lost.
It took me over 6 months to start to see the light again, to find my purpose, and start healing.
I got myself into therapy which was lift altering. My therapist at the time told me something that I share with all my athletes when they stop playing a sport and that was “you have to treat your loss of identity/sport as if someone has died, you have to mourn it”.
I started to mourn who I used to be. I did not skate or put my hockey equipment back on for an entire year. I was challenged to try and find who I was outside of hockey. I started to try and find new hobbies I enjoyed, like snowboarding and reading, and I started to reframe my mindset around exercise.
Exercising was something that was used to get stronger, faster, and better at hockey. So when hockey ended, I started using exercise unhealthily. I used it to punish myself for the food I ate and the alcohol I drank.
Exercise eventually turned into something that I could turn into a career. I could share my knowledge with others, help them get to a better version of themselves, and it turned into something that empowered me, made me stronger, and allowed me to find a community during grad school and when I started working at DSC.
I believe people are brought into your life at a certain time for a certain reason. In grad school I started to meet people who would impact my life. One of those people being my best friend Jordan. Jordan lived 2 towns over from me my entire life and we didn’t meet until we were both 23. She is the most positive person. She’s someone I know can keep it real with me. She’s one strong, bada** person/mom that I look up to. She deserves a major shout out in my life story because she is the reason I’m at DSC. She sent me the job posting, told me to apply because she knew it would be the perfect fit for me and she supported me every step of the way. Thanks girl ☺
Since my first day at DSC the community of members and coaches have embraced me and made me a better person and coach. Yes DSC is a gym, but it is much more than that to a lot of us, including me. We uplift each other when we are not doing okay. We challenge each other to push harder and lift heavier in each workout. We embrace the good, the bad and the ugly.
DSC has allowed me to meet the best coworkers. They are some of the most caring, hilarious, and quirky people I have ever met. They inspire me to do better every day.
I want everyone to know that even while going through a devastating, life altering time you can find your tribe and truly heal. Looking back at January 25th 2020, I don’t think “what if” anymore. I have come to peace with how my hockey career ended and everything that happened after, because it catapulted me into some of the best years of my life.
Remember it is okay to accept help and not to be okay.
Lean on people who build you up and support you.
